In retrospect, hindsight, after thoughts....

Today I'm attempting to get over the negative thoughts about yesterday's race, the race I had been looking so forward to, and now feel so frustrated with.  It's hard to pinpoint exactly what went wrong, why it went wrong, what to do differently, and how to change it all for next time, but I'm working on analyzing it. 

All had gone smoothly leading up to the start, there were no complications.  The gun went off and there I was, right behind the 3:30 balloons (pacer).  Since I was wearing a 3:40 pace tattoo on my arm, I was hoping to stay in sight of the 3:30 pace and not let the 3:45 pacer pass me.  After nearly taking down the dumb photographer who was standing smack dab in the middle of the road in the biggest pack of runners, I was able to keep a nice steady pace that felt comfortable.  I wanted to keep a close eye on my watch, but there were so many half marathon walkers all over the road that I was dodging in and out and around people and had to keep both eyes looking forward.  Still felt great at mile 7.5, the first turn around point, and found myself at a 7:53 pace--I knew this was too fast, but it was also too late to notice.  I purposefully took some deep breaths and tried to slow my pace without feeling uncomfortable, but by mile 10 I was looking for someone with a car that could drive me to the finish line.  At the half way point, I clocked in at 1:46:40--a new PR by 40 seconds!  Though I was thrilled with this PR, I was only half way through the marathon and my legs were already feeling like they were going to cramp up at any moment.  Shortly after, I started having chills from head to toe, so I took in 3 cups of water/gatorade at all the following water stops.  By mile 16 ish, I was having stomach cramps pretty badly.  From this point forward, I walked/ran the remaining miles, struggled with staving off leg cramps, felt the need to hurl, dealt with body chills, and pleaded with my legs to get me to the finish line.  My brain kept saying, "just one step at a time, eventually we'll get there."  That's all I could focus on.  Just one step at a time.  Finally made it to the finish line and crossed in 3:53:32.  Sudden relief, tears, disappointment all consumed me.  Yes, 3:53 is a decent finish time (18th in my age group!)  but it was NOT at all what I had prepared for or planned on getting.  I let myself down, failed miserably, didn't achieve the goal, and now I'm just left feeling the loss. 

I know.  I can give myself all the famous pep talks, "don't worry, there'll be another race...You'll get it next time...It just wasn't a good day....Learn from your mistakes...blah blah blah."  Having run many marathons before, I've learned all those lessons, made all the mistakes, I KNOW BETTER!!  I'm not a newbie, I'm a old veteran.  But yesterday, I made costly mistakes and in the end, I'm just mad at myself for doing that.  Lesson learned....now moving on.

Trying to decide whether I can do the Minneapolis marathon on June 5.  It's a fabulous race, pretty flat, in my favorite city, all my hometown friends.....but it's also only 10 weeks away.